Family guide

Keys to keep company with a child's sadness

The book's guide gathers six short ideas for keeping company with a child's sadness. Here I develop them more calmly, with examples and phrases you can use today, and add a seventh, on how to talk to a child about death, which is only on the website.

1. Sadness is love

When a child cries over a loss, they are showing us how much they loved what they have lost. Instead of trying to make them stop crying by quickly distracting them or playing down their feelings with a «it's not that bad», we can acknowledge that affection: «you can tell this was very important to you». That way sadness stops being something to be ashamed of.

2. The power of silence

Keeping company is not fixing. Often it is enough to sit close by, without hurry or speeches, so the child feels they are not alone. If we speak, fewer words are better, with no advice or reproach: «I'm here». Grief is not resolved in a single conversation: it helps to offer company at different times, including days later.

3. The inner resource

Children learn to calm themselves first with our help and, little by little, on their own. Each time we keep them company, they store an experience of calm they can return to when we are not there. You can practise it in a quiet moment: «What place makes you feel safe?». That image will be theirs. It is what Nilo does at the end of the story: he closes his eyes and puts his hands on his heart.

Who is the grandmother? The story does not fully say, and that is on purpose. She may be a memory, someone Nilo never got to meet because she was far away or was no longer there, Nilo's imagination or a presence he feels: each family can read it in their own way. If the child asks, you can answer honestly: «Nilo feels her close because he carries her inside». What matters is not whether she is there or not, but that Nilo feels accompanied. If the child asks whether someone who died can come back, you can tell them that people who die do not come back, but that affection and memories stay.

4. Putting it into words

When a child doesn't know what is happening to them, a simple question can open the door: «What do you miss?». Naming the loss — a friend, a pet, a relative, a change of school, a separation — makes it smaller and easier to carry. If no words come, that is fine: they can draw it, point to it or just stay by your side. Listening is also keeping company.

5. From grief to gratitude

Remembering the good moments we lived does not remove the pain, but it reminds us that what we shared is still part of us. You can talk about what they did together with open questions: «What did you enjoy most with that person?», «Which memory would you like to keep?». You can be grateful and sad at the same time, and you don't have to feel good in order to remember.

6. The emptiness that makes room for the new

After a loss everything seems different and a gap or emptiness may be felt. In time, that gap can make room for games, people and new moments, without meaning forgetting or loving less. A child can laugh in the afternoon and cry at night, and both are normal. There is no calendar for grief and no single way through it.

If you listen to the message, the knot loosens.

One more key, only on the web

7. How to talk to a child about death

Young children understand death literally and gradually; around the age of 6 or 7 they begin to grasp that it is irreversible, and each child goes at their own pace. It helps to say «died» and avoid «went away», «is sleeping» or «we lost him»: euphemism protects the adult, not the child, and can create new fears (of falling asleep, of people leaving). Explain what is irreversible without drama, answer what they ask and only what they ask, and repeat the explanation as often as needed. If the child plays at burying or saying goodbye, they are working it through: keep the game company without correcting it.

About the body

A child's sorrow is not always put into words: it often shows up in the body, as tummy aches, headaches or chest pains. Sadness is felt in the body before it shows up in words: a knot in the throat, a tight chest, raised shoulders, heavy legs. When we keep company with the physical sensation — breathing together, a hand on the chest, a long hug — the child regains regulation before being able to talk about what they feel. The story is built this way on purpose: first the knot, then the words.

When to look for professional help

Every child goes through grief in their own way and at their own pace, and that is natural. There is no need to hurry to «get over it». But it is worth consulting when any of these things happens:

• Sadness lasts for weeks, or sooner if it interferes with sleep, eating or school.
• The child goes back to earlier stages: wetting the bed again, talking like a baby, not separating.
• Repeated tummy aches, headaches or chest pains appear, once a medical cause has been ruled out.
• Play gets stuck in the same scene, without moving forward.
• They say they want to disappear, to die, to be with the person who died or to hurt themselves. If this happens, don't wait: talk to their paediatrician, the school counsellor or a mental health professional as soon as possible.

Asking for help is not a failure: it is another way of caring. You can start with your paediatrician or family doctor, or the school counsellor, or the professional psychology association in your region, which keeps lists of professionals who specialise in childhood.

See the eight activities